The Distinction between Choice And Desire

The Distinction between Choice And Desire

Matthew 26:39 And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

So I have had many great responses to my last post, from Sunday August 19th.

Read that here if you missed it:
Choices Ahead: Singleness and Marriage

Have you read it yet? OK great! Now we can continue. 😄

Many people liked it/agreed with it, and a couple of readers respectfully disagreed. It seems I will need to hash this topic "choice" out a little more. I am SO glad that people spoke up on social media and expressed their agreement and in a couple of cases, their disagreement.

One commenter in particular was very insightful. She said that she was about to disagree with my blog entry about singleness being a choice (other than for people who deliberately commit to long term singleness) when she felt a check in her spirit saying that choice can come in many subtle ways, ways that may not even look like choices. She is absolutely correct!

So I must ask you, dear single Christian:

Take some time in the Lord to reflect on your story, much like I reflected on mine. That previous blog entry was my story. And while you may not relate to everything I said in that post, it is absolutely true for me in my story. Singleness was not a one-time only choice I made. It was not a case of me saying "from now on I will choose to be single, and that's that!" No, rather the choice is made repeatedly. See I WANT to choose to remarry. But what I WANT and what I CHOOSE are often different. God helps me choose what is best for me... and what is best is not always what I want!
Thank you JESUS for helping me in my choices!! 

 But in the dating opportunities I have had so far, I have chosen singleness over and over... many small choices... many small forks in the road leading to huge differences later on. This is almost like a multiple-choice quiz!

I want to remarry again someday, but I want to do it right. I want this marriage to be a lasting one. So I choose singleness most times. Sounds odd doesn't it? But it's true. No one forced me to marry any of these women. They chose not to pursue and I chose not to pursue.

So let me help you make a distinction: what you WANT may not always be what you CHOOSE.

God doesn't force His hand on us. He will gently lead us, but He still leaves the choice up to us... even if we wish to go against His leading.

Many of us singles WANT to get married, and many of us have CHOSEN to make an effort to do so. But then we remain single many times after that. In some cases, the other person is choosing not to date you anymore, but in other cases, you are choosing not to date them. In some cases, the choice is mutual.

What if you have the day off from work and you could do anything you wanted to?
You have a fork in the road, maybe multiple forks. Many mini choices to make with your day off. If you choose to stay home, you may miss out on a new opportunity, a new acquaintance outside. If you choose not to sign up for online dating, that is perfectly fine. BUT that choice means not meeting anyone online. All our little subtle choices add up. And yes, some of it is beyond our control. God is the faithful sovereign Lord who rules and guides us. He is in control. And within Christ's rulership, He allows us to make choices, for He is making us into kings and priests under Him (Rev. 1:5-6).

What we want is not always what God wants. So as faithful Christians, we sometimes choose obedience to Christ over what we want. And over time, He shapes our will to be more like His own. But there will always be times when I think I have the right path, but God wants something different.

Now...  I think some Christian singles (not all) may automatically associate CHOICE with DESIRE. As in: if you chose it, you must have WANTED it.

 But that is not always true. I really want to be married again, and I could have had it by now probably more than once. BUT instead, I made mini choices leading back to singleness. Why?Because I believe that is what God wanted for me in those cases... to help me stay faithful to HIS local and ministry calling on my life. Jesus must be first in our lives. Yet I happen to know that He wants to bring someone to me who wants to walk WITH me. So I have kept looking and hoping in the Lord.

So what we want is not always what we choose. Jesus illustrates this distinction the best when he chose the Father's will over His own will:

Matthew 26:39 And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

There are many times we, as singles, hate to go to bed alone, we hate to be single. We long to love and be loved. We long for the adventure of romance once again. But we feel the Holy Spirit telling us "not just yet". So we faithfully obey and choose to turn down certain opportunities. Remember, it's not the Holy Spirit forcing you. He is gentle and will show you, but it must be you who takes the steps.

For those of you who are single, please hear me: You may not want to be single, but you are single. Very rarely is this completely out of one's control, unless you were locked up for many years against your will, with no outside contact. So as long as you have your freedom, then your choices have been a factor in your singleness. No one is forcing you to stay single. You may not have wanted or chosen singleness directly, yet your indirect and subconscious choices have likely played a role in your singleness, to one degree or another.

 And you may not recognize the many tiny choices you are continually making. Again, I have to make it clear... very very few of us have said "I choose singleness!!" as a definitive conclusive statement. Most of us Christian singles are more likely to say " I want marriage! I want to choose it!"
But we continue to make choices that favour singleness. Or we meet up with a chance at marriage and end up turning it down. Or maybe sometimes we had no control over one situation and it was NOT our choice, but some other factor. That can happen. Please understand that I am not trying to "blame" you for being single. Singleness, in Christ, is sacred and special, in that it helps us perform "the things of the Lord". (1 Cor. 7:32)

And I am not dumping all responsibility on you for being single. There are uncontrollable factors that often make it very hard to get married. I understand that.  But you are not a puppet either. There is a balance in the middle of the road somewhere.

But even when outside factors thwart your attempt at marriage, remember you still can choose to trust in the Lord for a spouse. Your attitude is still your choice, even in the most difficult situations. God's Word should shape your thinking. It should fuel your hope in Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus told us that with God, ALL things are possible. It is YOUR choice whether you believe that or not.

And sometimes we makes small little choices that lead to an extended season of singleness, even when we really want marriage. Yet we may not recognize that.
 Thus choice and desire are two different things. They are related, and sometimes they agree with each other. Other times, they are different.
As faithful believers in Jesus, we bend our will to the Lord's when our will or desire is not in tune with His. Or sometimes, we make choices leading to more singleness due to unhealthy things like fear or worry or apathy or doubt. But that is not always the case. Each Christian single is unique and loved dearly by the Lord.

Some Christians work very hard at finding a spouse. Some are successful and others are still working at it. As long as they are still alive they can CHOOSE to keep searching for a spouse or they can CHOOSE to quit looking. And most importantly we can ALL CHOOSE to pray in Jesus' Name and read His Word!
 All the tiny forks in the road each day are the seemingly tiny choices we make on a daily ongoing basis. They seem so little that we don't even recognize it as a choice.

It's not one huge fork or one huge choice, but a series of winding paths and several options at each intersection. And, just MAYBE, POSSIBLY, you could one day make a choice to do something unrelated to singleness, (like buy groceries). And POSSIBLY, God uses your choice to bring you a mate! It could happen, if you have asked Him for a spouse. That's just one random example of literally millions of possibilities in Christ. God is unlimited in power and ability. He can reach you where you are at. 

Sometimes God uses our choices to His advantage and to our advantage even when we don't realize it. He is the ultimate chooser. He chose us first. Yet, because we are made in Christ's image, we are also choosers. Let us choose to serve and worship Christ... choose to believe He is able to work any miracle in your life. Choose to listen to His Voice telling you His will for you. Choose to believe that God's promises are true and that He can and does answer prayer!

God bless you!
Pastor Curtis

Wed. Aug 22 2018 10:46pm EST

CHOICES AHEAD- Singleness and Marriage are Choices

MARRIAGE AND SINGLENESS ARE CHOICES

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20 years ago, when I was young, before I was married, I used to dismiss singleness. I used to think it was no good. I had no appreciation for God's seasonal gift. (God's spiritual Seasons can last years sometimes). I valued the Biblical definition of marriage. I had great examples of Christian marriage in my life. But I had no real instruction or understanding about singleness as a Christian and how God blesses it for "the things of the Lord" (1 Cor. 7:32).

Well God's Spirit has been teaching me for the past decade now.

When I was abandoned by my ex-wife in 2008, and later divorced, I thought singleness was happening to me. Singleness was something that continued to "happen" to me. And it was something that was always beyond my control. Marriage and singleness just happen. When God wants them to. That is how I thought.

But now, through the leading of the Holy Spirit and through my experiences as a pastor to singles, I can see that singleness is a choice. Yes God is moving and leading. But we are made in His image and so therefore, because He has a will, so do we.

After 7 years of singleness, I finally started to get dates. Most were one-time meetings. All of them were special and great women of God. But it was usually agreed by both that we should not pursue the relationship. Perhaps they had a different geographic calling and ministry calling than me. Or maybe there were other factors. It was no-one's fault. These women were amazing Christians, but that does not automatically mean you have to marry them. Sometimes, a discernment is needed, where you recognize God's timing is different than our own. And there are a slew of practical factors that help to determine whether or not to go down a marriage road with a particular woman. And to any women reading this, the same applies for you: you don't have to marry the very next Christian man you meet! You might want to keep your options open a little longer!

And now, almost 10 years later, I am looking back, on each connection. I can clearly see my choice was to stay single and NOT pursue those relationships. In most cases it was a mutual choice on both my part and hers. I chose singleness. I own it. No self-pity party here.

I did the pity-party at one point, as if I was the "victim" of divorce and now I am the "prisoner" of singleness.

But not anymore. God hoisted me out of a dark and secret pit and cleansed me and made me whole. He changed my thinking on singleness!
 I am a whole Christian and I am single. I am healed and single. I am loved and single. Jesus loves me, this I know! For the Bible tells me SO!!!

Now I am older and wise enough to figure out that I have been CHOOSING my path. God is guiding me through prayer. But He also lets me make choices. I own up to my choices and I honestly don't regret them by-and-large... because I have not married into the wrong situation this time around! :)  I don't regret my singleness because now I still have OPTIONS available to me in Christ that a married person no longer has.

SO.... When I am ready, I will choose marriage, and God Himself truly knows when I will be ready

I can no longer say singleness is "happening" to me. Just as marriage is a choice, so is singleness. Because of Jesus, singleness is sacred, just as marriage is sacred. It is sacred in HIM for He walked as a single on earth!

Do we control all the circumstances surrounding singleness? No of course not. Sometimes conditions favour singleness even when we prefer marriage. Those factors make it tough to break away from singleness when we would rather be married.

BUT.... I am still the chooser here. Not going to be the victim. In Jesus, I have chosen singleness for an indefinite period of time.... a season. I have chosen it because I can see what God is doing with my singleness. :) God is the chooser of me. And in His choice, I am choosing to serve Him.

I encourage you to reflect on the reasons why you are single or why you are married. Does your choice have something to do with it? Or do you see yourself as a victim of random chance? Do you think God makes all the choices for you, or do you believe He makes provisions for you to make choices as well?

God bless you!

Pastor Curtis (PC)