Before sharing something online, in public, or in person, have you ever stopped and asked yourself,
“Is this the right time and place to share this info?”
And…
“Am I sharing this with the right people?”
And
“Should I be sharing this info at all?”
If so, then you are exercising some discretion in your speech and sharing. This is excellent. A strong sphere of influence requires us to be wise about who we share with and when. People will respect you if they can see you know who to share with and who not to share with. That means they can trust you. Trust will build your influence with your team or group.
In my book, 12 Good Traits Of A Leader, (Amazon paperback link here, and eBook link here) I discuss discretion as being one of 12 major traits that good leaders possess. But in actuality, all people need this trait, not just leaders. Here’s how I define it in the book:
“Discretion is… a positive ‘boundary line’ to help guide us in our interactions with each other in every sphere of life and to prevent sensitive information from falling into the wrong hands.” (Curtis Alexander, 12 Good Traits Of A Leader, Page 66 in the paperback, Curtis Alexander Books.)
Indiscretion is the opposite. It’s violating the good boundary line. It is when you cross over into bad territory: oversharing, gossiping, and prying.
If you disrespect the good boundary, called Discretion, you will eventually suffer loss in your business, church life, and even personal life. You may even lose respect from others.
The Bible clearly tells us that discretion, (aka “selective sharing”, “respecting boundaries”) is of the utmost importance when guarding your life, your heart, your family, your church, and even your business.
Proverbs 2:11 (NKJV) Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you,
Speak wisely, and only when needed. It will preserve your life and friendships and Christian ministry and family.
Proverbs 3:21 (NKJV) My son, let them not depart from your eyes — Keep sound wisdom and discretion;
Keep discretion in front of your eyes and at the front of your mind.
Proverbs 5:2 (NKJV) That you may preserve discretion, And your lips may keep knowledge.
Many times, shutting your lips is the way to preserve discretion, as Proverbs 5:2 says. There will be many times that you should not post something on social media. Yes you read that correctly! Not everything is fit for consumption on public social platforms. NOT sharing is often the best way to preserve discretion — healthy boundaries.
The Bible even tells us to guard our hearts, because all the issues of life flow from it.
Proverbs 4:23 (NKJV) Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.
So there are many bad practices we might fall into that cause indiscretion and loss of respect. These bad habits make others respect and trust you less. Here are three problem habits in particular:
- Oversharing with the wrong people (or even the right people at times)
- Gossiping and talking about others behind their back
- Prying for undeserved info. I’ll call this the “Peeping Tom syndrome”.
I will give a brief overview of each of these bad traits below:
1. Oversharing
Oversharing is a terrible habit as it erodes your credibility and makes people respect you less. They can get exhausted by nonstop chatter or endless facebook posts that seem to have no point.
Oversharing will also make you likely to leak private information that is not fit for others at church or work to know. Anyone with internet access can see much of what we share online (if not all of it). Be aware of this.
Oversharing endangers you as there may be someone close by who has malicious intentions. (Example: they may be out to steal your bank info, ruin your reputation, or kidnap your children, etc.) Think about this:
Let’s say you overshare with the public on social media, and let everyone in the world know you are in the hospital or on vacation. This alerts strangers and lets them know your house is possibly unoccupied. And with locational and GPS technology available, it’s not too hard to track where people may be living. It’s ok to share with friends and family you trust. Just be sure you are using the correct “privacy setting” on your post before you hit the “share” button. When in doubt, use personal communication lines over social ones. Use telephone, text, or private messaging services instead.
And sometimes, we just talk too much. Maybe we are sharing safe info and nothing too private. Maybe we are sharing just fun ideas or our personal theories about life and the universe. Well, read the people around you and see if they are interested or not. Oversharing (even benign info or opinions) leads to exhaustion in others. People get tired of those who talk too much. Practice listening to people not just talking. Observe people. See if you are engaging them or merely boring them. Their body language will let you know.
2. Gossiping
Gossip is a nasty one. It’s when we talk about others in a harmful way behind their backs. We get a “kick” out of learning the “dirt” on someone else, then spreading it around. Gossip is an evil practice that does nothing but destroy respect, harm reputations, foster falsehoods, spread rumours, and ruin relationships.
Gossip can seem innocent sometimes. For instance, I know of a church hopper who at one point was discussing “church A” to the people of “church B”. This person had a rampant curiosity not based in Scripture, and wanted to know if church B had heard of church A. There was no point to this as they are in completely different regions/towns. No leadership was involved on either side.
The person was not a leader or a minister. They were a church hopper, that had difficulty knowing what church they should call “home”. They returned to “church A” spreading the falsehood that “no one has ever heard of you.” Of course that was a lie. Church A had a ton of connections to other ministers and churches, fellowships and ministerials. So the leadership shut that lie down and asked that person to stop spreading it to the people. It was damaging, false and demonic. Fortunately the person respected that request and began practicing discretion. Boundary lines were respected after that. Churches in one region don’t need to know the details of the inner workings of other churches in other regions. They shouldn’t be comparing themselves to each other. They should all focus on the great commission of winning the lost instead and on sharing the Word. (See Matthew 28:18–20).
3. Prying
Finally, the third trap people might fall into that damages their respect among others is prying. We must recognize that not everything is our business to know.
If someone does not volunteer the information, and you are not in a place of authority over that person, don’t try to dig for details. It’s one thing if an employee has to give an account to an employer. But it’s very different if you are both on equal levels. You are not entitled to know the private affairs of others. Even as a pastor, I do not pry for info. If people share something voluntarily with me, that’s different. When they choose to share in confidence, I respect that and keep it in confidence. That’s called trust.
Prying is generally seen by others as invasive and will chip away at the credibility of those who practice it. Pryers will lose respect and trust over time, because they don’t respect the healthy boundaries in front of them. They are looking for ways to get around those necessary barriers. And their motives are often bad.
